It’s always amazing when parents hold their newborn babies in their arms for the first time ever. It is a feeling of joy and accomplishment but also apprehension and uncertainty. As the child grows, they have to hit certain milestones and pass different stages to monitor if their growth is normal.
As the child grows, their weight, height, how soon they talk or walk, their personality and intelligence, etc. are all essential ways to monitor their growth. As a parent, these milestones not only give you relief but also tension when some of these markers are not achieved. As they say, the comparison is the thief of joy, so it becomes more stressful when a parent starts to compare their own child’s growth with that of others.
Although it may sound odd, comparing your child to another’s is perfectly normal with all parents, as they always want the best for them. This is mostly seen by mothers; especially first-time and normally in the first years of their babies lives. It reassures, cements that you are doing a great job and raises concern when you notice something is amiss.
A new mother was pregnant at the same time with her neighbor. She was 2 months ahead of her neighbor but her pregnancy looked smaller. She worried and thought maybe her unborn was not developing right. When she gave birth, the baby was perfectly okay with normal weight. But that did not stop her, she noticed that her neighbor’s baby was gaining more weight and even crawled before hers. She got worried and went to hospital where she learnt that all children grow different and hit milestones on their own time. No one child is the same.
Some of the things that cause a parent to compare may include;
Child milestones
Milestones are the most stressful triggers for parents. A parent will start comparing their children’s milestones with their neighbors or friends children. They also do this with the child’s siblings. If a parent has 2 or 3 children, a parent tends to compare the milestones between all babies.
Parenting choices
In the wake of social media and all things digital, today, modern parenting is full of pressures of trying to keep up with societal standards. A parent gets to interact with other parents on social platforms and starts doubting whether their parenting choices are right. We all parent differently, but when we see what our peers are doing, we start worrying especially if their children seem to do better than ours. Take the example of the new mother; she noticed that her neighbor’s child was chubby while hers was not. She thought that her child was sick but what she did not realize was that they had different parenting styles. While she chose to exclusively breastfeed, her neighbor had started feeding food to her baby at 3 months.
Skills of the child
As the child grows up, worry shifts from milestones to how good a child can do a specific thing e.g. reading to minor things like how he kicks a ball. A parent will be stressed if their 2 year old baby is not yet running while their friends’ baby is running at 1 and a half years.
Education, Career and Personal lives
As the child progresses to school, comparison checks in when other children perform better. A parent will worry and tension sets in. Here, statements like “Why can’t you be like so and so” are thrown around and as it may be a motivation tactic, sometimes it may do more harm than good especially if this comparison seeps down to their child’s career and even their own personal lives.
As a parent, this comparison is all fun and game until it’s not. Although usually done with the intention of motivating the child to excel, sometimes it can foster ill feelings between them and the child. The spirit of competitiveness is great but sometimes pushing and teaching a child to be better can be counterproductive. Aggression, tension, hatred, resentment all tend to rise up when a child is constantly compared to another.
When a parent constantly compares their child to another, they are setting themselves up for disaster. Instead of seeing and focusing on the abilities and achievements of the child, feelings of disappointment are always constant when they see their children. This then becomes a basis for a strained relationship. They miss out on more important things like creating bonds and memories with their children. In turn, it messes with the child’s self-esteem and self-worth.
For children, comparison brings about: –
Negativity
When the child is constantly compared to others, they tend to become negative towards themselves as they see themselves as failures, they become negative towards their parents and even towards the other children.
Self-doubt, diminishes self-worth and self esteem
A child who goes through comparisons will always doubt themselves and their capabilities. As a result, their self-worth and self-esteem is lowered as they find themselves not good enough.
Breeds jealousy and sibling rivalry
When a child is compared to others, especially their siblings, rivalry sets in. This rivalry is a foundation for hatred and resentment and breaks the relationship between them. When a child realizes that their parents prefer one over the other, jealousy creeps in. This opens a myriad of emotional issues.
Damages parent-child relationship
Comparison tends to cause a strain in the parent-child relationship where they struggle to have a bond. A child who feels this way will tend to avoid their parents further placing a wedge between them.
Causes stress
A child going through this will start having stress and even other psychological issues like anxiety because the seed of self-doubt and self-worth is planted inside them.
Parents need to know the limits of their comparison. They need to understand that all children are special and unique and no one child is the same. When a child is older and understands things better, parents need to be extra careful. You can compare by giving support love and encouragement in the right way. Set realistic expectations, appreciate strengths and help with their weaknesses. Be reassuring to your child, support them and encourage them.
Did this information benefit you or give you an insight? Let’s hear your say. Leave us a comment below so we know we are walking the journey with you.