I owe my best life experiences to my late dad and to date I cherish every moment we got to spent together. Life has become too pricey that we associate happiness with money which we should let go. In my case it wasn’t about how many gifts he bought or where he took me to but the simple sacrifice he made to always be present even when he really needed to be elsewhere, that had more power over money.
I wasn’t privileged enough to go on vacations or just simply enjoy life from the silver side of the spoon but he made sure I had the basics and most importantly his assurance of a better tomorrow. He made me understand what was important in life and from our frequent chats and giggles we built an awesome bond.
It goes without saying that I found my best friend in him; he was a loving, caring and easily approachable person which made beginning a conversation so easy. My fondest memories of him are our numerous evening walks with massive conversations. We virtually talked about anything and everything. I got so fond of him that a day without his call was an empty day both emotionally and psychologically. Dad had a firm voice that would always wipe away my worries, his hugs were so warm I almost forgot my misery but the ecstatic of them all was his comfort smile, reassuring me of his presence.
Through dad I got to know the importance of time and how precious it is. It really doesn’t matter if you provide the best of everything for your children but if you deny them your time then you are providing nothing at all.
I grew up thinking dad had a solution to everything and therefore losing him was like losing me. His demise hit me like an atomic bomb; I couldn’t fathom why God would select the best in His vineyard. Here I was an orphan at 16, just when i thought life had kicked on and volar, my best friend took his final position. My grief came with anger; on one side I was blaming God for being inconsiderate, on the other I was blaming dad for not preparing me or simply just taking me with him. I do not know what hurt me more, the fact that I was an orphan or simply the trauma of going through pain alone with no one to pour it out to.
I withdrew from all the fun things of life and in my little silent place I kept reassuring myself of his return. I grew up with kids who due to tight work schedules and frequent travels hardly saw their parents. This became my consolation zone, I never let go of the rope, fantasized his return and pleaded with God Mercifully.
On severally occasions I was advised to let go and move on. No one understood when I said my world was empty, they couldn’t relate to my pain. I lived in my own cocoon, always in limbo not knowing what’s important and what isn’t anymore. I shut probably every door that I saw open, life was nothing without dad and so there was no need for light either. Education wasn’t key anymore and I dreamt not of tomorrow.
It beat me why everyone thought I was wasting away and why they fought so hard to fill a void only them saw. In my own small world, dad had travelled and life took a halt as we await his return.
Of all the things I have struggled with in life, I believe accepting this fact took a toll on me. I lived in denial for so long until my aunties felt the need of a shrink. This actually opened the Pandora’s Box; every little memory of our moments hit my brain in a series of flash. There and then I went into a rollercoaster of emotions and broke down severally through counseling sessions. One thing stood out though, everyone felt I needed to let go. I lived in guilt as I knew dad would be disappointed, I believed he wanted me to hang in there and prove my love for him.
Despite my fog not lifting, my counselor didn’t give up on me. He took me through a series of therapy and palliative care until my emotions began to melt down slowly. This was a therapeutic journey that also sent me into a self-discovery. I later learnt that by holding on, I was barring him from resting in peace.
After a decade of grief I finally accepted dads demise, organized Mass in honor of his remains and allowed him have an eternal rest. I live in cognizant of the fact that he is no more and cannot be replaced but also hold dear every lesson and knowledge he impacted in me. I want to be able to pass on his parental features to the next generation and also scale the heights he didn’t live to achieve.
In his memory I choose to hold on to his dreams which have become an ambition and obsession to me. I look forward to building a legacy in his honor. I have come to learn that no matter how long you stare at a closed door, it will never fly open unless you push or pull it. I also came to realize that life is not a train that stops and waits for you to board but just like the said train life has many bus stops.
I live in awe of the life he gave me and in acceptance of the fact that not everything lost should be replaced. Some are encrypted in our hearts for a lifelong memory that not even time can steal. No matter how long it takes, always trust in the journey and only let go when the heart is responsive. Pausing to reflect is invaluable and therapeutic take it as it comes. I’m at a happy place knowing he is safe with my creator and watching over me.